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Poetry By Nicci Wall

April 8, 2017

 

Your Expectations

 

 

Don’t place your own expectations on me,

For I cannot, in all conscience conform.

 

Don’t place your own expectations on me,

For my world is a kaleidoscope of colours and shapes, where you see black and white.

 

Don’t place your own expectations on me,

For they only add to my confusion and distress.

 

Don’t place your own expectations on me,

For they eat away at my self-esteem.

 

Don’t place your own expectations on me,

For they cloud my expectations of myself.

 

Don’t place your own expectations on me,

For that confirms your inability to accept me as I am.

 

Don’t place your own expectations on me,

For I will only put up walls and withdraw in self-preservation.

 

Don’t place your own expectations on me,

For then neither of us will be disappointed.

 

 

Hand of Cards

 

The hand of cards life has dealt me,

Made me the person I am today.

I am neither rich nor poor,

In more than a monetary way.

I have a lot of love around me,

Through my family and my friends,

I draw on their support frequently

And when trouble brews I try to make amends.

In this way I consider myself to be rich,

I know many are not as fortunate.

Though things are often out of my control,

I’ve learnt to accept my Bipolar state.

Through the various experiences,

Mistakes and general daily life,

I’ve learnt so much about what is important

And value myself as a mother, daughter and wife.

I may take risks and be unconventional,

In what I allow and often present,

Sometimes you could be forgiven

For thinking my moods, like the weather, are inclement.

But this is the nature of the beast

Full of swings and round-a-bouts,

I’d rather be up and jovial

Than be depressed and down and out.

I am reaching inside of myself

To learn and grow and change

To better understand the beast

I have read an extensive range

These books give me the insight

Into what I can and cannot do

To one, help myself, and

Two, make it easier for you.

 

 

Turmoil

 

Buzzing, whirring, yelling and screaming thoughts

Continually whirling around in my mind.

Confusion, fear, distrustful, aggressive and irrational moods

Often come in ebbs and waves.

Haunting words, sentences, images and memories

Prod, probe and drive this inner turmoil.

Heaviness, aching, lethargic, oppressive feelings,

Taking total control of my being.

Building walls, withdrawing, closing out reality,

The only defence mechanism logical for survival.

Time slowing, dragging, with the sunshine nagging.

The guilt and apathy sets in.

All movement, breathing, walking, talking,

Taxing beyond belief.

Negative, doubtful, defeatist, despairing,

Words come slowly from my lips.

 

The elation, alertness, inquisitiveness and driven behaviour

Experienced only occasionally, are all too rare.

Mind racing, self-esteem rising, head clearing,

Mood shifts from the black hole of doubt and despair.

Sleep eludes, senses heightened, everything is achievable,

The climb back becomes easier each day.

Conclusions, solutions, ideas, designs,

Flow forth without prolonged thought or prompting.

Physical tasks, desires, demands, requirements,

Barely diminish the fountain of energy.

Colours, shapes, images, scents and memories,

More vivid, enjoyable than ever before.

Love, humour, happiness and exhilaration,

Interjected into all and every experience.

Tales, plans, views, appreciation,

Tumble from the mouth at an ever quickening pace.

 

 

Game of Life

 

As the beginning of depression slowly envelopes me, I have to wonder where it will all end,

I have been down this road before, so why am I taking this road again.

Encircled or is it controlled, by the belief I should ensure fairness and equality for all,

This weight upon my shoulders is to much, I ask for help, please hear my call.

 

This game of life that we play thwarts both friend and foe,

Breaking free from one tangled web, falling, limbs flailing, to another just below.

And so the circle starts again, having barely recovered from the last,

Trying to start life anew continually pulled back by the demons of the past.

 

Giving of ones self continuously, and in return being asked for more,

Physically, emotionally, spiritually, I have naught, lying spent upon the floor.

I struggle to compose myself, hoping to find an inner reserve,

Forced to consider inconceivable options and their consequences, but will I have the nerve?

 

To end this game much more is required, than I have left to give,

I want so much more than a mere struggling existence, I actually want to live.

Throw away what little I have left, on principles and a belief that I am right,

Or throw caution to the wind, praying the right choice was made each and every night.

 

 

Relight the Fire

 

I am taking the time to think about, what is right for me,

Instead of bowing to the unreachable expectations, of my family.

Important decisions about my life, are my own to make,

Give me credit for knowing, their consequences are also mine to take.

With every step in a new direction, an element of risk will be there,

I have never been one to do things on a whim, or without a reasonable amount of care.

My responsibilities and commitments, I most definitely do not take lightly,

And I no longer endure the type of behaviour, I deem as unsightly.

I am insisting on a better life, I will not accept the conditions placed on the one I had,

And for the chance to start anew, I know I will always be glad.

I believe the new road I have chosen, to travel with my kin,

Will hold all the positive aspects, to relight the fire within.

 

 

Individuality

 

As the days blend into weeks

And the weeks blend into years,

I have found that I have finally lost

Many of my earlier fears.

 

Fears which I often found

Extremely hard to face,

Fears that constantly held me back

And kept people out of my personal space.

 

The impregnable wall I built around myself

Is coming down, albeit very slowly,

So that now I find as the days pass by

I am increasingly feeling lonely.

 

Lonely for the touch and warmth

And caring of another,

Lonely for the shared intimacy

Of a truly considerate lover.

 

Not for a partner who just sees

A relationship as sharing my bed,

But for someone who is acutely more interested

In what is in my heart and my head.

 

One who can share their feelings and fears

And be honest about what’s on their mind,

One who is strong not just in a physical sense

But also very gently and kind.

 

One whose belief in what is honourable and right

Is not considered a slight on masculinity,

But instead seen as a personal strength

And have pride in their own individuality.

 

 

So Alone

 

I am surrounded by friends every turn I take,

So why is it I feel so alone?

I love my children, they fill my life,

Yet I still feel so alone.

My Mother helps, listens and loves me,

But I can’t stop feeling so alone.

I go out and socialise and enjoy myself,

Then come home and feel so alone.

I mingle with people like myself in the gym,

Wishing I didn’t feel so alone.

I’m gaining more knowledge through attending school,

That doesn’t stop me from feeling so alone.

My counsellor is helping me come to terms with myself,

She knows I feel so alone.

I’m buying a house for security,

I’ll probably still feel so alone.

I want someone to hold me, respect me and love me,

Because I don’t want to feel so alone, anymore.

 

 

Why?

 

Sometimes I question myself,

Just why do I go on?

What is it that leads me to believe

I always have to be strong?

Why is it that I push forward so hard

Leaving little or no time for myself?

What am I trying to prove?

Why must I make my presence felt?

Who am I trying to impress,

Or show that I am doing fine?

That I am more than capable of meeting,

The demands placed on me, body and mind.

 

Why is it so hard for me,

To let outsiders in?

So what if they see me lose control,

Surely that’s not a sin?

Yes, I do need someone to care for me,

Someone to love and respect me too.

Why is it when I take that chance,

I get cold feet and tell them we’re through?

Why is it that I am who I am?

And why are you, you?

The answers to these questions I will never find

And that for a fact I know is true.

 

 

Test of Time

 

I want to tell you exactly how I feel

but the right words just wont come out.

The love I feel for you is a lasting love

Of this I have no doubt.

For months this love has been in my heart

But I could not let it surface,

I thought your heart was with someone else

And rejection was something I could not face.

So in order to keep myself in control

I put my energy into my lover,

But of a night, in my sleep

I dreamt I was in the arms of another.

It was in these arms I longed to wake

Each and every morning

And it was these arms I wanted to carry me to bed

When tired and fitfully yawning.

When I looked into your big brown eyes

I knew I had lost my heart forever

But I found myself looking away

Thinking that we could never be together.

Then you took me in your arms

And kissed me and held me tight

I summoned up all my courage and will

And said NO this isn’t right.

I went to bed that night and could not help

But touch my lips now and then,

Wondering over ad over in my mind

If you would ever kiss me again.

I held you off for a few weeks more

And I meant to hold you off longer,

But the more I fought my feelings for you

The more they became stronger.

I wanted you in every way

A woman could want a man

And I wanted to give you what you need

In a way that only I can.

To stand by your side as your partner

Is something that would fill me with pride

And love would never have to be dragged from me

Because my love for you will never be denied.

So if you have any doubts

About whether we would pass the test of time

I’ll tell you I look forward to when we’re old and grey

And I’m still yours and you’re still mine.

 

 

Images

 

As I lay here beneath the trees,

Watching them gently sway with the breeze.

Images of the past flash through my mind,

Of people who were loving, warm and kind.

They say that good things never last,

Oh what I would give to change my past.

Look to the future it is bright and cheery,

I am afraid I could never see that clearly.

The future to me holds more heartache and pain,

More time for mistakes, guilt and shame.

I wish I could change the way I see my life,

I thought I was a good mother and wife.

Now after trying for all those years,

I find I am drowning in my own tears.

What have I done that was so terribly wrong,

I tried to fit in, I just wanted to belong.

But here I am all alone again,

I wonder if my life will always be the same.

I am trying hard to change who I am,

Not really being confident that I can.

I want someone who will love me for me,

But it seems the outside is all they see.

Oh what I would give to be these trees,

Spending all day gently swaying in the breeze.

 

 

                               Running Scared

 

                     I feel myself running from someone,

                     Yet when I look behind there is no one there.

                     But I keep running on ahead,

                     Not knowing exactly where to go or what to do.

                     To scared to stop running,

                     In fear of what might happen if I did.

                     Deep down knowing that if I stopped,

                     I might actually catch up to myself.

                     For all the running I am doing,

                     Isn’t from someone or something else.

                     The one thing I fear the most,

                     Is the real person inside of me, myself!

 

 

                                    Trying to Break Free

 

                                    Look deep into my eyes

                                    And tell me what you see.

                                    What was that, a little girl,

                                    Trying to break free.

 

                                    A little girl so full of fear

                                    Desperately crying out for love,

                                    Wanting to be cherished

                                    Tenderly like a dove.

 

                                    Eyes brimming with tears

                                    Of the loneliness she feels,

                                    But her responsibilities and determination

                                    Are what keep turning her wheels.

 

                                    She is trying to put the past behind her

                                    And within herself find happiness.

                                    She can’t afford to let things get out of hand

                                    She’s tidying up her emotional mess.

 

                                    When finally within herself

                                    She finds eternal peace,

                                    That is when her true inner self

                                    Will be dutifully released.

 

                                    So please try and understand

                                    There is not just one, but two of me.

                                    The responsible, hard working woman

                                    And a little girl trying to break free.

 

 

Tormented

 

Tormented am I all the time,

By the things going around in my head.

Not a minutes peace throughout the day,

Not even when I am asleep in my bed.

Sometimes the genes passed down through a family,

Are not ones that you can easily bare.

The mood swings and depressions I encounter,

And the passing on of genes, I can not spare.

This was not brought to my attention,

Until sometime after my children were born.

The knowledge of what might be for them,

Left me shocked and feeling forlorn.

I will endeavour to make my children aware,

Of what it is that I have passed on.

So they can take it into consideration,

and decide if starting a family is right or wrong

 

 

Only Then

 

The sun was glistening on the waves

The breeze gently caressing my skin,

Passing thoughts of my life to date

Wondering in the scheme of things where it is I fit in.

 

There is so much in life I want to give

So much I would like to be given,

But there is always something holding me back

Something deep inside, yet to be forgiven.

 

Let go of the past girl

For only then will you begin to live,

If only I could make them see

Sometimes you can’t forget and forgive.

 

I don’t want to be this sensitive

I didn’t chose to be this way,

Instead of getting stronger

I seem to be getting weaker every day.

 

 

Valid Reasons

 

In time I know the hurt will heal,

And once again the outlook will be brighter.

Just as those who have known me well,

Will say that I have always been a fighter.

I try to confront my fears head on,

It is the only way I know how to get on top.

Sometimes I forge ahead in giant leaps and bounds,

But I fall very hard when my efforts flop.

But once again I pick myself up,

Standing straight backed and tall, as if with pride.

To the world outside I appear confident,

Having some form of special strength, to take it in my stride.

On looking deep within my mind and soul,

Most people are a little more than surprised.

This person who cheerfully greeted them each day,

Was smiling to cover hurt, not smiling at the world I despised.

Building walls around myself had become a hobby,

But not one I took on by choice.

A hobby I learnt as a child through circumstances,

Which would make even hard hearted eyes moist.

I believe I have many valid reasons,

For not wanting to continue to live.

And I would not hesitate to end it all tomorrow,

If I thought it was something my children could forgive.

 

 

An Attempt

 

I feel the suns warmth upon my back,

I see its gleam on the dew covered grass.

All around me things appear much brighter,

No longer does my life seem a farce.

I am making an attempt to change,

The things in life which get me down.

By accepting choices made by those around me

Maybe even choosing to leave this town.

Although I will no longer accept responsibility

For choices that were not mine.

I won’t let the chance to have my say go by,

For then my efforts would be a waste of time.

So back into counselling it is I go,

Hopefully for the final healing journey.

As I plan on emerging from this bout,

A new person and mentally healthy.

And if by chance I don’t succeed,

There are no promises it will be the end.

To counselling I will return once more,

And I am prepared to do it again and again.

 

 

Unquenchable Thirst

 

Bright lights and star filled nights.

The suns warm rays and fun filled days.

A sigh of relief and happiness beyond belief.

With love to share and naught a care.

The wind on my face and plenty of space.

Green rolling hills and my happy pills.

Laughter in my ears and thoughts turn back the years.

A mind full of song, how could anything possibly be wrong.

Waves crashing to the shore and a lightness seldom felt before.

New ideas come to mind and answers are so easy to find.

Chores achieved so quick and retorts given with humour and wit.

No head stuck in the sand and happy to give a helping hand.

Willing to extend a loving cuddle and enjoyment found from jumping in a puddle.

Feeling rain on my face and transcending to a calmer place.

The ocean reflecting the blue sky and clearer answers as to why.

A merry-go-round in my head and no sleep when I go to bed.

The need to hold everything dear and future goals are now so clear.

An unquenchable thirst to learn and so much energy to burn.

To be with nature as one and swimming with dolphins in the sun.

Feeling the warmth from a fire and totally submitting to desire.

Final acceptance of myself and joy at my new found wealth.

Increased knowledge through experience and hindsight brings with it patience.

Good food and love for a healthy soul and loving oneself makes us whole.

 

With Hugs, Kisses and Rub Noses

 

So many things have happened in my life,

At twenty six, I am a daughter, a mother and once a wife.

One never knows how much damage a divorce can do,

And one can never begin to understand what you go through.

Before me stands, as what I see as the ultimate test,

Maybe being without their father is a turn for the best.

Although I remember well, the pain, rejection, confusion and distrust,

I felt as a child, when my parents’ marriage went bust.

I’ve tried so hard without his help, to cover my children’s needs,

But deep inside the churning of my gut, a silent warning heeds.

These children you love, shelter and provide for with full plate,

At some stage will blame you, with eyes so full of hate.

And no matter how hard you try, to replace what they have lost,

You will find yourself wondering, if it was worth all the anguish it cost.

Then the next day you’re back at it, full of vigour all over again,

Even though it’s not easy being a student, mother, father and friend.

For myself I have never, nor will I ever regret leaving him,

But now that he’s shifted away, against the children I feel I’ve committed a sin.

I just hope that one day, they will see,

How painstakingly hard this was for me.

And they will look back and remember, even though I got tired, cranky and such,

That with hugs, kisses and rub noses, I loved them so very much.

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